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973302 - OPTIMYTHIC 01:




His Majesty, the Queen!


Sir Cadence "Porridge" Fapcannon


Reflections and Contextualizations on the Discoveries and Treasures Recovered on My Most Harrowing Expedition Ever!

Your Grace,

The FairyTotem specimens contained in this Laboratorium represent a narrow band of distinctive Mosaics that may be classified as OPTIMYTHIC. They were all, without exception, painstakingly harvested from an Enchanted Forest, then carefully packaged and carried and shipped at great expense across innumerable obstacles to be displayed here for Your Majesty's enjoyment and edification.

These Pieces represent but a small fraction of their many possible natural permutations. As this is the first such appearance in the Kingdom of any FairyTotem whatsoever, the initial corpus presented here may be seen as the founding contribution to the nascent field of ArcheoPixoPornology (the study of ancient Fairy mating practices).

Little is known of the ritual details (indeed, how could anyone possibly?). But, from the Pieces themselves, clues may be gleaned and conclusions may be safely conjectured about a basic ritual framework from which certain behaviours can be inferred.

To wit: Prior to copulation, a FairyCouple may choose to locate a species of plant called the Shagtail Yellowsprite it produces a flower from whose stamens may be peeled (about once a night) a translucent and slimy membrane. It is this delightful and delicate harvest that is then slipped gingerly upon an ActiveFairy's erect ActiveMaker. Once applied, the mucous from the stamen of the flower of the Shagtail Yellowsprite quickly solidifies itself upon the ActiveFairy's erectness to create a very serviceable barrier against fluid transmission.

Later, when the FairyCouple's pleasure is spent, the PassiveFairy carefully extracts an achorn-sized, liquid-filled balloon from his TailEnd. Now in its penultimate stage of metamorphosis, the balloon is freighted with a Magical and Active substance!

Thence, with a guilty giggle, the PassiveFairy launches his missile of ActiveMagic against the bark of any nearby LaughingTree. Lo, if the wind is right, the balloon will Burst(!) upon the Bark, and instantly the FairySpores will be absorbed into the LaughingTree. Moments later, out will sprout from the LaughingBark a glittering, crystalline fungus.

Each sculptural blossom inevitably becomes the subject of an enriching and wide-ranging post-coital conversation, as the FairyCouple together admire the aesthetic qualities of that particular encounter's uniquely exploded PleasureBomb.

Then, inevitably, the FairyCouple will kiss-kiss, pout sweetly at each other, and flit carelessly apart, onward to other fairy adventures! They thoughtlessly abandon their PleasureBomb to harden in the moonlight and become a permanent work of public art, available for the enjoyment of passers-by. Usually, however, the Totems are routinely ignored by forest dwellers, who have little practical Use for them.

Thankfully, by the grace of God, Your Majesty had the OPTIMYTHIC foresight to enable and empower a brave Expedition unto the Western Lands in order that I, Sir Cadence Fapcannon, Your most Loyal and Obedient Servant, could return Triumphant, with great and shattering News concerning this wondrous Discovery.

Be it hereby known, that the Enchanted Forest from which these FairyTotems were harvested is broad, verdant, moon-dappled, and very deep. It glitters everywhere with thousands of years' worth of FairyCouples' love-making memories.

Humbly before the Crown, I, Sir Cadence Fapcannon, do hereby submit this Honest Report, upon which I have set my Hand and its Seal. With it, I present for Royal perusal the accompanying PleasureBombs, and, with them all and for each, have taken the liberty to indulge in some sportive and interpretive comment a trifling effort for the sake of Your Majesty's amusement.

May Your Majesty's wisdom shine forevermore in sun-ripened sweetness, moon-kissed wonder, and star-touched intelligence! Beneath its eternal Glory, I remain, most humbly and faithfully,


Sir Cadence Fapcannon


photo by Grim Fandango


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